Introspection through Dyspraxia and Dyslexia - 19
“Introspection” – The examination or observation of one’s own mental and emotional processes.
When I look back at key events in my life; I never would have imagined now, that there were specific reasons for how I responded to certain situations. Surprisingly, I was in my final year, in the last semester of university when I was diagnosed with dyspraxia and dyslexia.
‘Dyspraxia, a form of developmental coordination disorder (DCD) is a common disorder affecting fine and/or gross motor coordination in children and adults. It may also affect speech. DCD is a lifelong condition, formally recognised by international organisations including the World Health Organisation. DCD is distinct from other motor disorders such as cerebral palsy and stroke and occurs across the range of intellectual abilities. Individuals may vary in how their difficulties present: these may change over time depending on environmental demands and life experiences.’ https://dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/about-dyspraxia/
‘Dyslexia is a learning difference that primarily affects reading and writing skills. However, it does not only affect these skills. Dyslexia is actually about information processing. Dyslexic people may have difficulty processing and remembering information they see and hear, which can affect learning and the acquisition of literacy skills. Dyslexia can also impact on other areas such as organisational skills.’ https://www.bdadyslexia.org.uk/dyslexia/about-dyslexia/what-is-dyslexia
What was even more surprising, was that I only began to consider doing my research about it during the planning stages of my dissertation module. I was struggling so much to get the layout sorted and I just kept on losing my focus on the topic. It was only when I started to make use of the library services, where I signed myself up for an academic tutor to help me with my dissertation. I was also super paranoid because I was so disorganised during my second year, that I ended up submitting my proposal late and had my marks deducted. I didn’t want to make that mistake again, so I forced myself to do whatever I could to get a good mark.
It was my academic tutor who picked up on the fact that I was experiencing difficulties in articulating my points, understanding academic text, and repetitive grammatical errors in my writing. I also struggled with note-taking because my hands would ache when writing with a pen. There have also been times where even I couldn’t read my own handwriting because of how messy it was. My tutor was the one who suggested that I should consider getting tested for dyslexia and dyspraxia as she was a professional in assessing other students with different learning difficulties. Previously there were times where I would take an online screening test for the sake of it, as I had the question in the back of my mind. But the problem with online screening tests is that they’re not reliable enough to give you an accurate diagnosis. I decided to take it forward anyway because I was curious, and I wanted to have a better understanding of myself.
However, it was challenging when I tried to apply for the assessment. I registered myself with the university’s disability support service, and even then, I felt like I had to fight for the request of getting an assessment. I’m not trying to put a blame on the university, because I’m aware of some of the amazing support there is provided. But in that situation, I was made to feel like I was being overdramatic because I was questioning whether I had a learning disability or not. Thankfully, I stood my ground which I’m surprised at myself. I was adamant about getting assessed and I knew it was best that I did it whilst I had access to the facilities of the University.
After I had my assessment, for some odd reason, I felt a lot of relief. There were so many moments where I would question my intelligence throughout primary and secondary school. I struggled so much with Maths (and other academic subjects) and for some reason, I just ‘didn’t grasp at it’. It took a lot of hard work and focus for me to pass my GCSE Maths but it was never something that I naturally understood. I used to find it so difficult to concentrate in class, and back then I assumed that maybe I was just being lazy. Don’t get me wrong, there were times where I was lazy, but let’s be honest, which kid wasn’t at some point? I never really exceeded in exams, and I always achieved my highest grades through my coursework. I have always struggled to express myself verbally, despite knowing very clearly about what it is that I wanted to say.
These are just a few examples of how it made sense when I found out that I had dyslexia. As for dyspraxia, there’s a lot of things that I look at now and think, oh ok maybe that’s why. At the same time, I don’t want to just link every single one of my experiences to it. But having that understanding of it makes it a lot easier to figure out why I responded in certain ways in the past and how I do now.
For example, I passed my driving test on my 12th time which had a lot to do with me being a slow learner at new things. It also had a lot to do with my lack of confidence in myself and how I would always let my nerves get the best of me. The most important thing is that I still passed after so many failures.
Other examples include the way I hold things. For instance, the way I hold a knife and fork when I’m eating; or the way I’m holding a pen when I’m writing. I usually have to apply a lot of pressure using my hands, which is another way of my body requiring itself to work more. It’s the same with my mind, to be honest. I may not learn things straight away, because my brain needs more time and effort to process information.
I think the only regret I have about this, is that I didn’t know about it before. The fact that I had already finished my dissertation by the time I was assessed, was both a blessing and a downfall at the same time. I feel like if I knew during my dissertation module, I could’ve used the support required and maybe gotten a higher mark. However, I also remember that I almost studied for nearly 3 years at university without knowing, yet I still managed to persevere my degree with a decent mark.
Moving forward now, I’ve looked at what works best for me and what doesn’t. Whenever I am in a working environment, I’m able to receive the support I need to allow myself to feel comfortable; yet still work to the best of my abilities. I’m not as hard on myself when I don’t get things right for the first time, which is something which I used to do all the time.
So as for both positive and negative outcomes of this, I say Alhamdulillah (Praise to be Allah). Alhamdulillah for the curiosity and confusion throughout the years which led me to learn more about myself; and for the things, I am yet to discover In Sha Allah (If Allah wills it).
Ameen.
